


as soon as i can hold you once again, i won't let go of you, i swear

by merlypops



Series: 5SOS Song Oneshots [18]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Christmas Fluff, Coma, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fights, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Growing Up Together, Guilt, Healing, Homophobia, Hopeful Ending, Luke and Michael are barely mentioned, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Memories, Neglect, Relationship(s), Snippets, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 07:55:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4911484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'"Do you remember that Halloween party we went to back in year eleven?" Calum asked suddenly, smiling faintly as he took in Ashton's profile, his cute little rounded nose and his full lips, parted and slightly chapped due to the lack of moisture. Calum wished he would wake up.<br/>"I can never remember if it was Michael or Luke who threw that party but... but that was fun. You went as a <i>cat</i>, Ash. Do you remember? And I was Batman but everyone was fawning over you because you had cat ears on and I got jealous and then you kissed me in front of everyone and that's how we came out at school. Do you remember?"<br/>Calum swallowed past the lump in his throat, letting his eyes slide shut with exhaustion as he pressed a gentle kiss to Ashton's shoulder through the hospital gown he was wearing.<br/>"I remember it, Ash," Calum said softly and his voice was thick with grief and weariness and <i>love</i>. "I won't ever forget it."'</p><p>
  <b>Ashton falls into a coma and Calum remembers.</b>
</p><p>Based on "Scars" by James Bay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	as soon as i can hold you once again, i won't let go of you, i swear

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic in a couple of days because I just couldn't get the idea out of my head. Also it was way more angsty than I planned but the ending is happy (spoilers sorry) and there's some fluffy (hopefully cute) bits throughout so maybe that'll help...  
> Fingers crossed you'll enjoy this!
> 
> P.S. Just for your reference, italic sections are in the past, normal text is present day.

_Ashton had always been beautiful to Calum._

_His soft curls were the colour of caramel and his skin was a soft honey. Ashton’s eyes were a wonderful light-brown colour with a tinge of greenish gold, like a ripe hazelnut, and he took Calum’s breath away the first time the younger boy laid eyes on him when they started secondary school._

_It was only when Calum had been best friends with him for a long time that he began to see the beauty_ inside _too._

_Calum saw Ashton’s kindness and his patience and how caring he was to everyone, regardless of whether he was close to them or not. Calum saw how Ashton helped his mother take care of his younger siblings, saw it in the bags under Ashton’s eyes and the tired, grateful smiles he shot Calum when the younger boy covered for him so that Ashton could grab a few minutes sleep in class._

_It was a few years after that they finally went on their first real date, all awkward smiles and sweaty palms that made Calum’s heart melt. They went out to buy chocolate-chip cookies and apple juice at a little café in town because, to a pair of fifteen year old boys, that was probably the most romantic thing ever._

_They kissed for the first time a few weeks later, soft and hesitant in Calum’s front garden beside the raspberry bushes. His parents didn’t like it much but Calum didn’t care._

_Ashton made him feel safe._

*

Calum woke up to his mobile phone chiming on the bedside table. It was still pitch-dark outside and it took him a moment to realise that it was an incoming phone call rather than his alarm going off for work. His chocolate brown eyes were clouded with sleep and Calum felt uneasy although he couldn’t quite remember why. The bed beside him was empty which was… strange.

Calum reached out clumsily for his phone where it was charging beside him and hit the answer button, letting his eyes slide shut again as he heard the crackle of static.

“Calum Hood?” an unfamiliar voice asked and Calum’s dark eyes opened again. It was dark in the room, _so_ dark. He glanced at the clock for the first time and swallowed nervously when he discovered that it was half past two in the morning. Something had to be wrong.

“Speaking,” Calum answered after a pause, his voice rough with exhaustion. “Who’s calling, please? It’s two in the –”

“This is Sydney General Hospital,” the voice answered and Calum froze. “We have on our records that you’re Ashton Irwin’s next of kin?”

“Oh my god,” Calum breathed, sitting upright so quickly that the rush of blood made him dizzy. Suddenly the events of the previous evening came rushing back. “Yes,” Calum whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose hard between his thumb and forefinger as he tried to stay calm. “Yes, I am. He’s my fiancé. I –” Calum was shaking. “What’s happened?” he whispered, his voice so soft, like he was half-hoping she wouldn’t hear.

“Your fiancé has been involved in a motorcycle accident,” the voice said and Calum might have been sitting slumped in their bed alone but he felt like he was falling, felt like he was plummeting towards the ground with a torn parachute and no hope of rescue.

“No,” Calum breathed, voice thick against the lump in his throat. “No, he can’t have been.”

“I can assure you that he has,” the stranger said but her tone was regretful. “He’s in surgery now. You should come down to the hospital as soon as you can.”

“I… I will,” Calum mumbled and there were tears trickling down his cheeks but he felt _numb_. “How… how bad is it?”

The stranger swallowed audibly and Calum’s heart felt like it had stopped beating in his chest.

“It’s too early to tell,” the woman said but her voice was softer now, more _human_.

Rain was pounding against the windows and Calum was cold.

He felt empty without Ashton.

*

_They moved into a flat together when they were twenty one years old, just a few weeks before December. It was unusually cold for summer and the central heating didn’t work properly so they spent those cold weeks sitting huddled up together beneath a blanket, Calum with his nose buried in a book and Ashton calmly stroking his hair as they sat there trying to keep warm._

_Numerous jokes about getting frostbite aside, it was actually relatively romantic. There were lots of kisses and searching hands, and Calum just appreciated those few weeks before he started his new office job a lot. They’d been in a serious relationship for almost six years by that point but they learnt so much about each other during those weeks, lying tangled with cold feet and hot tongues and their breath clouding in the air between them._

_Their first Christmas together was beautiful too._

_The majority of the boxes from moving in hadn’t yet been unpacked but they decorated their slightly lopsided Christmas tree lavishly and the pair tried (and largely failed) at baking gingerbread in their tiny kitchen. The smoke alarm went off a lot but the carols they were singing along tunelessly to were loud enough that it didn’t really matter._

_They bought each other lots of little stocking fillers as opposed to big presents since they’d spent most of their money on the flat but it was still special. Ashton bought Calum lots of guitar picks and button badges of bands he liked because he knew the younger man had collected them when they were younger, and Calum got Ashton some brightly-coloured bandanas and new leather gloves for the motorbike Calum had never wanted him to get in the first place._

_It was a lovely Christmas – “sickeningly-romantic” if their school friends Michael and Luke were to be believed – and the weeks slipped by quickly._

_Calum didn’t even remember to be sad that his parents hadn’t sent him a Christmas card._

_Being with Ashton made him too happy._  

*

Calum stayed up all night long while Ashton was in surgery for his ribs and leg. He sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair in one of the hospital's many waiting rooms and tried to ignore the broken sobs of the woman sitting across from him as he stared blankly down at the ripped knees of his skinny jeans.

They’d fought that night – or yesterday now, since it was already six in the morning. Ashton had stormed out of the flat and Calum had gone to bed in a sulk, and now Ashton was being operated on and Calum had never had the chance to say –

To say _what_?

What could he _possibly_ say that would make this situation any less horrific?

 _I’m so sorry_? _I love you_? **_Goodbye_**?

 **No**.

Calum couldn’t let himself think like that, not if he wanted to hold onto the fragile calm that had settled over him.

“Mr Hood?” The waiting room door had been pushed open by a young nurse and Calum jerked his head up in shock, automatically freezing as he processed all of the reasons the nurse might have for coming to speak to the dark-haired man.

“Is Ashton –”

“Your fiancé is out of surgery now,” the nurse said quietly, giving Calum a smile intended to soothe. The other woman was still sobbing brokenly in the corner of the room though and Calum’s heart was heavy in his chest. “If you’ll follow me, sir, I can take you to his room.”

“Thank you,” Calum said weakly, rising on shaky legs and following the young man out of the room. The rain had slowed now but there were still drops trickling down the panes of glass that looked out onto the dreary car park. “Is he awake yet?”

“No,” the nurse said softly, glancing at Calum before looking quickly away again, like he hadn’t meant to be caught watching him. “But the anaesthetic will take time to wear off. We won’t know the extent of his condition until he wakes up.”

“Okay,” Calum whispered, keeping his voice low so that it wouldn’t have a chance to break.

His heart clenched painfully in his chest when the nurse opened the door of Ashton’s room to let Calum in. It was brightly lit, the blinds pulled shut to block out the dreary grey day just beginning outside. There was the gentle beeping of a monitor and a tangle of wires hooked up beside the bed that Calum followed with his dark, tired eyes. The wires led into the machine but they were also attached to –

“ _Ashton_ ,” Calum breathed, suddenly finding himself gripping the metal railing around his fiancé’s bed in an effort to stay upright. “ _G-god_ , Ash.” Calum’s voice cracked but it was almost with _relief_ because… because he didn’t look as bad as Calum had feared. There was a cut on Ashton’s forehead that had been stitched up and one of his eyes was blackened but all of his other injuries were covered beneath a blanket and… and he just looked like he was sleeping. Nothing worse.

“Oh thank god,” Calum breathed and the nurse gave him a funny look, lingering in the doorway as Calum dropped down heavily into the seat beside Ashton’s bed.

“If you need anything, a member of staff will always be at the reception desk down the hall,” the nurse said after a moment, gesturing out of the door. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Something in his tone made the hairs rise on the back of Calum’s neck and he looked up at the nurse with wide eyes, unable to put into words the sudden cold fear that had gripped his heart.

“I’m fine,” Calum said softly, which was the truth… and one of the biggest lies Calum had ever told.

He didn’t think he’d even been _less_ fine in his life.

“Someone will check in on him in a bit,” the nurse confirmed before he withdrew from the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. Calum’s panic clawed in his chest and he was shaking as he took Ashton’s limp hand tightly in his own.

There was a graze on one of his knuckles and Calum pressed a shaky kiss to it, cradling his fiancé’s hand like he was made of glass. Ashton’s engagement ring glimmered dimly in the harsh lights of the hospital room and Calum’s breath escaped him in a choked sob.

He couldn’t go on without Ashton anymore.

He _couldn’t_. 

*

_The aquarium was bustling with tourists and Calum had never been good with crowded places but Ashton’s large hand gently holding his own helped a lot. The older man was dressed in worn blue jeans and a dark green flannel shirt that made his eyes sparkle in the dim lighting of the room. Ashton’s dimples creased his cheeks and he gave Calum’s hand a comforting squeeze._

_“Look at that fishy over there, Cal,” he said solemnly, smiling so warmly at Calum that the taller man’s heart melted in his chest. “It looks like Nemo.”_

_“Did you just say_ fishy _, Ash?” Calum checked and, when the older man blushed, Calum giggled, letting his head fall to rest on Ashton’s shoulder as he raised their entwined hands to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s knuckles. “God, Ash, you’re so_ cute _.”_

_“No, I’m not,” Ashton said bashfully but his curls were tied back messily with a bandana and he was dimpling again, and he completely contradicted himself when he looked towards a tank just in time to see a shark and squeaked excitedly._

_“You really are,” Calum said firmly, ducking his head to catch Ashton’s soft lips in a gentle kiss. They were warm and full, brushing Calum’s lightly as the older man’s hand slipped up to cup Calum’s cheek gently. “I love you, Ash. So much.”_

_“That’s a relief then or today would have been kind of embarrassing,” Ashton said which made… absolutely no sense at all. Seeing the perplexed look on his boyfriend’s face, Ashton smiled a secret smile and Calum raised his eyebrow fractionally, abruptly aware that Ashton was keeping something from him but unknowing as to what it might be. “You want to blow this joint and go for a walk on the beach?” Ashton suggested suddenly and, still frowning faintly, Calum gave a small nod._

_“Sure,” he said slowly, entwining his fingers with Ashton’s again as he tugged his boyfriend towards the exit. “Fingers crossed it’s stopped raining.”_

_It had luckily. The sky was a swirling mess of navy blue and grey but the late afternoon sun shone through the clouds in shafts of golden light, reflecting off the surface of the ocean like glittering gemstones._

_They wandered across the sand hand in hand, commenting on the seagulls whirling overhead and their plans for the rest of the evening. It was work tomorrow and Calum wasn’t much looking forward to it but, as the waves crashed against the beach and the sky overhead gradually darkened with more rain, Calum found himself distracted – not for the first time – by his boyfriend._

_There was a nervous energy crackling between them although the dark-haired man didn’t know why. All he could sense was that something_ enormous _was about to happen in the furtive looks Ashton kept shooting at him and the way his palms were beginning to grow clammy against his boyfriend’s._

_“What is it, Ash?” Calum asked at last when Ashton tripped over air and stumbled, falling… down onto one knee. Ashton smiled sheepishly up at him as he reached into the pocket of his jeans, rummaging around for something and looking faintly panic-stricken before he seemed to remember that it whatever it was had been stowed safely in his other pocket._

_“This wasn’t quite how I wanted to do this,” the older man said slowly, biting his lip and frowning down at the mysterious object he was hiding in his hands. “But… but now’s as good a time as any I suppose.”_

_“Ash…” Calum’s voice was low but his chocolate brown eyes were wide with shock. He was shaking – dimly he was aware of the way his slim frame was trembling like a leaf in a strong breeze – but his gaze stayed locked on Ashton’s face. “What are you doing?”_

_Ashton smiled, kneeling there in the sand in front of Calum with his soft eyes and the sea spray tangling his hair. He didn’t look as tired as he had done when they were still little kids but there was something innocent about the shining of his eyes and the gentle curve of his lips as they tugged up faintly._

_“Calum Hood,” Ashton murmured and Calum had to fight not to fall down into the sand with Ashton then because… god, he thought knew what he was going to say. Ashton opened his hands to reveal a ring. “Will you marry me?”_

_The wet sand dampened the younger man’s jeans when his legs gave out beneath him but his arms were wrapped firmly around Ashton’s shoulders as Ashton cradled the dark-haired man’s cheek gently with one large hand._

_“Yes,” Calum whispered and the tears were sliding down his face now but Ashton’s expression was jubilant. He peppered Calum’s face with kisses and the younger man gave a watery laugh. “Yes, yes, yes. A million times yes.”_

_Their lips were soft as they met in a gentle kiss._

_Calum never wanted to let Ashton go again._

*

Ashton hadn’t woken up yet.

The doctors said he was in a coma. Calum couldn’t remember how to breathe properly anymore. He spent almost all of his time sitting slumped in the chair beside Ashton’s bed, cradling his fiancé’s grazed hand and rubbing the pad of his thumb comfortingly over the engagement ring.

No one knew when – or even if – Ashton was going to wake up again. Calum knew he’d hit his head very hard during the accident but… but there were only a few stitches. How could that one tiny-looking injury have kept him unconscious for over _three_ days? It made Calum’s breath rattle in his chest, the absolute dread clutching at his heart as he gazed hopelessly at Ashton’s stubbornly closed eyes.

His fiancé’s family were all out of the country, holidaying in Europe but struggling to find cheap enough plane tickets so that they could fly back to Australia. Calum _needed_ them here, needed Ashton’s mum Anne to promise him that everything was going to be okay, needed Ashton’s siblings Harry and Lauren to distract him from the wretchedness spreading inside of him like poison but… but how could Calum expect that of them when Ashton shared their _blood_?

Calum was just the traitor who had distressed Ashton so much that he’d stormed out and… and…

It didn’t even bear thinking about.

Calum let his exhausted, empty eyes slide shut as Ashton’s hand lay limply in his own.

The gentle beeping of the machines broke the silence of the room.

Calum wished he could take Ashton’s place.

*

_Their first proper fight as a couple was over something stupid, a remark that was forgotten almost immediately in the irritation that welled up. Harsh words were unthinkingly exchanged and an eighteen year old Calum ended up standing in the other room with his arms wrapped tightly around himself, shaking as he glared out of his mother’s kitchen window at the rain-wet shed outside._

_His parents were out – that was no surprise since they tried their utmost to avoid their son at all costs – and the house was empty since Calum’s older sister Mali had ran away a few months before. Ashton was in the other room. Calum heard a dull thump as he kicked something – probably the sofa – and Calum couldn’t even find it in himself to snap at Ashton for potentially damaging the furniture because… because he_ loved _him and fighting with Ashton tore Calum apart inside._

_Calum swallowed past the anger and the frustration and the pain festering in his chest, opening the kitchen drawer and rummaging through it before he withdrew a slightly-creased post-it note in the shape of a heart. They’d belonged to Mali once but she’d left a lot of things behind when she left so Calum hardly thought it mattered._

_He picked up a biro from the counter and pulled the lid off, holding it between his teeth as he flattened the little heart-shaped note with one hand and began to write. The ink smudged a bit due to the remnants of angry tears on the back of his hand but his writing was just about legible._

_‘ **Ashy, I’m sorry you’re dating a potato. I love you really. Cal. xXx** ’_

_Calum put the pen away with trembling fingers and carried the note back into the living room. Ashton scowled at him when he saw his boyfriend lingering uncertainly in the doorway but his jaw snapped shut when his too-bright hazel eyes spied the note in Calum’s hand._

_Calum had asked Ashton to go to prom with him in the same way, scrawled on a heart-shaped post-it note because, sometimes, writing was easier than speaking out loud._

_Calum pressed the note into Ashton’s large hand and his boyfriend stared down at it, biting his bottom lip as he read the words in the dim light. The bulb overhead was dark but a little light filtered down from the grey rain clouds outside, just enough that Ashton barely had to squint._

_Ashton broke the silence after only a moment of hesitation._

_“The difference is that I actually_ like _potatoes,” Ashton said halfheartedly and Calum’s lips twitched faintly, even as another tear rolled down his cheek._

_“I’m really sorry I’m such an idiot,” he breathed and Ashton shook his head, letting the post-it note flutter down onto the sofa as he pulled Calum into his arms._

_“You’re_ my _idiot though,” Ashton whispered and… yeah…_

_Calum thought he could probably live with that._

*

Ashton was stable now although he still hadn’t woken up. Calum kept the window of Ashton’s hospital room slightly ajar, letting in a warm breeze as the hot weather slowly withered outside. The car park was grey tarmac but there were trees edging it and their leaves were turning to burnished golds and crimsons as they died, a thousand tiny little deaths as Ashton fought for his life beside them.

Calum hated that he kept thinking of things like that, hated that he’d read so many books that all he ever thought of were terrifying possibilities that kept him wide awake all night long.

The fact that Ashton was finally stable did calm Calum a little though. It meant he could leave the room for five minutes to get a drink or find the bathroom without panicking that Ashton was going to be gone by the time he got back. It meant that Calum noticed smaller things now, like the oxygen tube in Ashton’s nose and the drip taped to his arm, and he looked at the readouts on the constantly-beeping machines and tried to guess what each number meant.

It was awful watching Ashton lying there so still because he was one of those people who were constantly moving, always fidgeting or tapping his foot or drumming his fingers on whatever surface was closest. He was always smiling or frowning, so _expressive_ that watching him now – empty and still – shook Calum to the core.

Someone who shone as brightly as Ashton should never have looked so lifeless. It was _wrong_.

The twenty one year old should have been awake, with _Calum_ , holding his hand and kissing his cheek and promising him that everything was going to work out. They should have been planning their _wedding_! Not… not _this_.

The only upside was that Ashton’s family had finally managed to book plane tickets so they’d be here in a few days’ time. Calum needed to see them now that he didn’t have his own family, needed someone to help him carry this weight because it was a _lot_ for one person… even if Calum felt like he deserved it.

The guilt was eating away at him. Calum barely slept anymore and he hadn’t had a proper meal since the night they’d fought. The bags under his eyes seemed permanently etched into his skin and Calum knew he must look a state because the nurses at the reception desk kept making concerned comments whenever he dared to leave Ashton for a few moments to stretch his legs in the corridors outside.

The nights were always the worst.

When the room was dark and the shadows stretched across the walls, Calum couldn’t see the comforting flush in Ashton’s cheeks anymore, couldn’t see the flicker of his eyes moving beneath his lids, like he was dreaming almost. All Calum could do was hold Ashton’s hand in his own and close his eyes too, listening for the steady beeping of the monitors as he tried in vain to sleep.

Calum wished the doctors would give him some good news, wished they’d at least _guess_ when they thought Ashton was going to wake up again… but they never did. All Calum could do was hope.

He’d never been one for praying before but Calum did then.

He prayed all night long.

*

_Calum hated their arguments. They were almost always about something stupid, blown out of proportion because Ashton was hot-headed and Calum let things fester inside of him until they finally exploded out when he lost his temper._

_They’d been sitting watching television on the sofa but they were standing up now, several feet apart in their living room as they fought._

_It was dark outside, the lamplight soft in the corner of the room but the shadows creeping across the walls like ink. Calum wished Ashton didn’t look so beautiful as he stood across from him. Calum wished he felt worthy._

_“You’ve been acting like this for_ weeks _, Calum!” Ashton shouted and Calum hated it when Ashton called him his full name. With the exception of the wedding proposal, it never meant good news. It just signified quite how angry Calum had succeeded in making his fiancé. “You’ve barely even spoken to me today! You’ve always got your head buried in a damn book! I was trying to talk to you about maybe meeting up with mum when she gets back from holiday with the kids but I doubt you’d even_ care _! You never pay me any attention anymore! I don’t think you’d even notice if I was **gone**!” _

_Ashton’s voice cracked and Calum’s eyes swam with tears as he wrapped his arms around himself tightly, trying to keep his anxiety at bay._

_“Don’t_ say _that!” Calum hated how weak he sounded, breathless and frightened because he could never quite shake off the tiny part of him that was afraid that Ashton would just leave, finally fed up of Calum. “I_ love _you, Ashton! You know I do!” Calum’s tears were bitter though and he could feel the prickly defensiveness making the hairs on the back of his neck rise as his hands clenched into fists. “And anyway, you don’t get to say that I don’t pay you enough attention! You care more about that stupid motorbike than you do about me!”_

 _That was unfair and they both knew it._ _Ashton’s hazel eyes glittered with anger and his hands were clenched into fists at his sides now, curled so tightly that the tendons were visible. His muscles rippled beneath his tanned skin and Calum’s heart was pounding in his chest._

_“Don’t talk rubbish, Calum,” Ashton said sharply but Calum could tell he’d upset him. “You’re being ridiculous.”_

_“Yeah, because that’s all I ever do!” Somehow Calum’s voice didn’t wobble but his eyes were red with tears. “I’m stupid! I know I’m stupid! But you don’t have to talk to me like this all the time! I_ know _I am, Ashton! I can’t help it!”_

_“Cal –” Ashton began and his voice was weaker now. He reached out towards his fiancé but Calum turned his back on him, choking on a sob as he folded his arms tighter across his chest._

_“Just… no.” Calum shuddered as the tears began to roll down his cheeks relentlessly. “Don’t touch me. I… I need to…” Ashton looked upset and Calum’s fear made him lash out defensively. “Just… just leave me alone! Stop looking at me like that, Ash! Stop it!”_

_“Fine!” Ashton’s cheeks were flushed red with anger but there was pain in his beautiful eyes as he stormed out of the flat. A tearful Calum stalked down the hall with furious tears burning in his eyes when he heard his fiancé’s motorbike revving._

_Calum glanced out of the window as the rain pounded against the glass and he could just make out the taillight of the motorbike as Ashton sped away._

_Calum sank down onto their bed, closing his eyes as the storm outside worsened._

_He hated himself sometimes. He really did._

*

Calum left the hospital for the first time in almost a week.

The skies were still grey, the rainstorm raging on and on. It was early too – maybe half seven – and everyone was going to work. The streets were full of pedestrians and the roads were almost at a standstill as the traffic crawled through the city at a snail’s pace.

The glare from the brake lights and the streetlamps was blinding but it was dark too, shadowy in the alleyways and shining in the gaps between the cars where the light reflected dimly off of the rain-wet tarmac.

There were quiet sobs shaking out of Calum’s chest but it was easy to ignore them. His head was so full of Ashton that he didn’t really care about what was going on around him.

The nurse from that very first day had politely suggested that maybe some fresh air would do Calum good but he knew it was just because they wanted to change Ashton’s dressings and the dark-haired man had got very upset last time.

Calum wished he didn’t feel so utterly useless.

He hung his head, probably just begging to be walked into by someone but quite honestly he just didn’t care anymore. His engagement ring was reflecting the headlights of passing cars but Calum would gladly have kept staring at it until his tear-wet eyes burnt blind if it would bring Ashton back.

“ _I don’t think you’d even notice if I was gone._ ”

Ashton’s words from the night everything had been torn apart came to mind and Calum staggered, felt as though he had been plunged into deep icy water and it stole his breath from his chest.

It didn’t matter that Calum had told Ashton that he loved him afterwards… because he’d pushed him away too, told his fiancé not to touch him and let him go to… to…

 _God_ , Calum couldn’t breathe when he was crying this raggedly.

Their argument was playing out behind his eyes and it was making him want to scream. It had been so _stupid_ too. They should have discussed it quietly and resolved it just like all their other conflicts but… but they’d been too short-sighted and… and Ashton had paid the price.

They had **both** paid the price.

Calum could see Ashton’s motionless body in his mind’s eye and it made the dark-haired man’s eyes burn with tears.

Calum honestly wished it was him instead.

His love for Ashton _burnt_ him.

*

_Their first holiday together was to England._

_They'd been saving up for months and months before they finally had enough cash to make it worth it, and they went for Calum's nineteenth birthday. Calum's parents had already kicked him out by that point but Ashton's mum still cared; she gave them a long pep talk on the way to the airport about staying safe but she_ also _gave them both a huge hug before they left to board the plane, hand in hand with excitement sparkling in their eyes. They felt larger than life._

_The flight was incredibly long but they passed the time sitting snuggled up together, Calum with his arm wrapped tight around the smaller man because the air-conditioning was making Ashton cold. They watched the second Shrek film and Calum read The Song Of Achilles while Ashton dozed with his head resting gently on his boyfriend's shoulder._

_That holiday would always be one of Calum's very favourite memories._

_They visited Camden Lock, Covent Garden, Trafalgar Square, Buckingham Palace, and Little Venice. They wandered along beside the Thames and tried new foods and bought silly little trinkets to take back to Australia with them for Harry and Lauren, or just to decorate their flat with._

_Calum fell in love with Ashton on that holiday, gazing into Ashton's beautiful eyes - like sunlight through a glass of whiskey - as the rain fell down around them._

_(With hindsight, Calum was pretty sure Ashton fell in love too.)_

_They visited different restaurants every night, walked around the parks and visited Kew Gardens, and Calum never wanted to forget the memories they made on that holiday because they were some of the best of his life._

_Calum kissed Ashton hot and slow in their hotel room, stroking his fingers through his boyfriend's soft curls as Ashton's lips parted against his in a soft gasp. They made love so many times during that holiday, kiss-bitten lips and fingers trailing across sensitive, overheated skin as they fell apart... and fell together._

_Calum's love set his heart on fire in his chest but he kept the words locked inside._

_He couldn't bring himself to say them out loud. Not yet._

*

Ashton's hospital room became a second home for Calum. He left more frequently now that Ashton's family were visiting too, so he could go to the office a few days a week - fortunately his manager had been very understanding - and make sure that their flat was still relatively tidy, but that didn't mean he was comfortable with it.

Calum never left Ashton alone though, always made sure Anne was there, or Harry and Lauren while they worked on their homework and drank too many fizzy drinks, pausing only to glance up sadly at their older brother before looking away again.

Calum's engagement ring was loose on his finger but he didn't put two and two together and realise that he'd lost a lot of weight until Anne arrived and simply crumpled upon seeing him, pulling the dark-haired man into her arms with a muffled sob.

"You've not been looking after yourself," she'd said, pulling away to cup Calum's cheek gently in her palm. "Ash wouldn't want you to do this to yourself, love. Please. Take care of yourself."

Calum followed Anne's wishes. He always did. He respected her too much _not_ to, after everything she'd done for them. For _him_.

Sometimes Calum found himself sitting in Ashton's room with all of them there and he could feel them all growing even closer. It would have been impossible not to after spending so much time together, talking about anything that would keep their minds off their situation.

Calum loved Anne, Harry and Lauren just like they loved him back but it still hurt so _much_ because he just wanted Ashton to open his eyes again, wanted to gaze at his fiancé and actually have the older man look _back_ at him.

Calum tried to hold it together, tried to keep his guilt locked away inside but it grew too much when they reached the midpoint of the second week and Ashton still hadn't so much as stirred.

The room was quiet and lit only by a lamp on the bedside table. Harry was bundled up on the floor in a hooded jacket, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head buried in his folded arms as he dozed. Lauren was sitting slumped beside him with her head resting on her younger brother's shoulder, sleepily scrolling through her Twitter feed as the sky outside darkened. Even as Calum glanced at her though, Lauren's eyes slid shut as she fell asleep too.

Anne was sitting across from Calum, her eyes red from crying, her bottom lip bitten raw from the stress.

"This is all my fault," Calum whispered and Anne's soft hazel eyes - _Ashton_ 's eyes - flickered up to his pale face.

"What are you talking about?" Anne asked gently and... and there was no judgement on her face at all. Calum thought maybe that hurt worse. "None of this is your fault."

"Yes, it is," Calum said weakly, looking over towards Ashton's sleeping face before he dragged his gaze away with a small, hurt sound. "It _is_ , Anne!"

"Cal... Cal, it isn't. I _promise_ you it isn't," the older woman said softly, rising on shaky legs and coming round the bed to sit in the chair beside Calum's. She slipped her arm comfortingly around the tanned man's shoulders and he gave a little sob.

"We fought... and he tried to make up with me and... and I wouldn't let him," Calum croaked and there were tears rolling down his cheeks now. "I wouldn't let him and he... he stormed out and - and -"

Calum broke off into soft, broken sobs and Anne's brow creased as she cuddled him close.

"Shhh, love, it's okay," Anne promised, stroking Calum's dark hair gently before she dropped a gentle kiss onto his forehead. "Just breathe for me. You're okay. It's all going to be alright. Ashton will wake up and you can tell him... tell him to get rid of that _damn_ motorbike and... and everything will be fine."

Anne's voice shook like she didn't _completely_ believe her words but Calum appreciated it a lot. He exhaled shakily, drying his eyes on the soft sleeves of his sweatshirt and kissing Anne's cheek briefly, letting his forehead fall to rest on her shoulder. He wished his mother had loved him like Anne did.

"Thank you," Calum murmured, his voice hoarse. "I know you're right."

Anne relaxed like maybe she'd needed to hear that too and a part of Calum believed those words.

Ashton had a lion's heart and it had kept him safe before. It would this time too. He was so strong. He'd _always_ been strong, even when he was little and trying to help his mum take care of his family because his dad had walked out and left them all. He'd always had his mane of hair too, a mass of messy curls that Calum had been in awe of ever since they first saw each other.

Calum raised his hand shakily to stroke Ashton's curls now and his engagement ring glinted in the light again. It made the sudden lump in Calum's throat hard to swallow past but he fought against it as he held Anne's hand firmly in his own.

Calum couldn't let himself cry anymore.

They needed him to be strong.

 _He_ needed to be strong.

For Ashton.

*

_The forest was always beautiful at this time of year._

_The leaves were changing, tumbling to the ground in a spiral of colours and crunching beneath their boots as the two nineteen year olds walked along arm in arm, so close that their thighs brushed with every step._

_The sky overhead was a pale periwinkle blue, streaked with wisps of whitish cloud that were largely hidden by the fiery canopy of leafy branches stretching out above them._

_They walked in companionable silence for over half an hour but, finally, the emotion that had been bubbling in Calum's chest since their holiday to England burnt too brightly to be ignored any longer._

_"Ash," Calum said and his voice was soft as he broke the silence. "I need to tell you something."_

_Calum was buying time. He was aware of that - and so was Ashton apparently, if the slightly knowing (but mostly confused) look he shot his boyfriend was anything to go by._

_"What's up, Cal?" Ashton said cautiously and... and this was it._

_The moment of truth._

_Calum choked on his words and Ashton looked vaguely concerned, settling his hands lightly on Calum's waist and making a small, surprised sound when Calum flung himself at Ashton, holding onto him in a tight hug, like he was afraid he wasn't going to get another chance._

_"Ash," Calum repeated and his voice was little more than a whisper. He drew in a deep, shuddering breath and Ashton seemed to still, like he knew something big was about to happen. "I think - No, I_ know _... Ashy, I... I **love** you." _

_Ashton relaxed against him, let out a relieved laugh and dropped a kiss onto Calum's nose._

_"I was scared you were about to break up with me," Ashton admitted and Calum's laugh was slightly hysterical as he stamped on Ashton's foot upon hearing that. Ashton limped dramatically a few paces away but his eyes were so soft - like melted honey almost - and Calum was falling into them and he never,_ ever _wanted to be saved._

_"I love you too," Ashton said and his voice was softer, more vulnerable._

_They walked in the woods for hours after that, spoke in quiet hushed voices about how their feelings _scared_ them because falling in **love** was never something they'd experienced before. _

_Ashton was scared because he was afraid he'd end up hurting Calum like his dad had hurt his mum and that pained the dark-haired man, made him want to pull Ashton to his chest and cradle him there until all of his worries were soothed - so that was what Calum did._

_When the pair of them finally wandered home much later that evening with their fingers entwined and blood heating their cheeks, Calum felt more free than he ever had in his life._

_He thought maybe that was just because he was in love with Ashton though._

_The older man smiled over at him with his dimples creasing his cheeks and Calum's heart skipped in his chest._

_Being in love felt wonderful._

*

Calum was on his own in the hospital room again, bundled up in a jumper and a scarf because he felt the cold sitting beside the open window. Ashton was covered in several blankets and his shoulder was warm when Calum leant forwards to let his head rest against it lightly.

If Calum closed his eyes, he could almost pretend that it felt like being back home in their cold little flat with his fiancé holding him close as Calum drifted off to sleep. Calum could almost kid himself that everything was still _okay_ , that the last two weeks hadn't happened at all.

Almost.

"I miss you, Ash," Calum mumbled sleepily, picking up Ashton's limp hand from the blankets and playing with his fingers absently, stroking the knuckles, twisting the engagement ring, rubbing his thumb comfortingly over Ashton's palm like the older man did to him when Calum got anxious when they were in crowded places.

"I miss you more and more every day." It was pitch black outside but Calum was allowed to stay. There was a camp bed set up for him in a little room down the hall but he rarely ever used it, preferring instead to simply sit beside Ashton until he passed out too.

"Do you remember that day at the aquarium?" Calum asked softly as he listened to the reassuring beeping of the machines, constant and heartening. The machine displayed Ashton's breathing and Calum found himself mirroring it unconsciously, inhaling when Ashton did... exhaling.... inhaling.... Just _breathing_...

Calum just had to keep breathing... keep breathing until Ashton woke up again -

And it was _when_ he woke up too. Not if.

"That was a lovely day," Calum said quietly, trying not to let his voice break as tears threatened. Ashton's hand was warm and soft in his but there were still faint calluses from his drumming attempts during secondary school. The dark-haired man's fond eyes softened.

"You asked me to marry you, Ash." Calum smiled and his chocolate brown eyes were shining with unshed tears. "God, Ash. You tripped over and then you... you just said it... and I said yes... and I've never regretted anything less, I promise you." Calum sniffed, turning his head to dry his tears on the shoulder of his jumper. "It's like that day in the forest, isn't it? At least a little bit. Taking that step. Telling me you loved me. That you wanted to _marry_ me..."

Calum twisted to press a gentle kiss to Ashton's cheek, squeezing his fiancé's hand gently in his own.

"Do you remember that Halloween party we went to back in year eleven?" Calum asked suddenly, smiling faintly as he took in Ashton's profile, his cute little rounded nose and his full lips, parted and slightly chapped due to the lack of moisture. Calum wished he would wake up.

"I can never remember if it was Michael or Luke who threw that party but... but that was fun. You went as a _cat_ , Ash. Do you remember? And I was Batman but everyone was fawning over you because you had cat ears on and I got jealous and then you kissed me in front of everyone and that's how we came out at school. Do you remember?"

Calum swallowed past the lump in his throat, letting his eyes slide shut with exhaustion as he pressed a gentle kiss to Ashton's shoulder through the hospital gown he was wearing.

"I remember it, Ash," Calum said softly and his voice was thick with grief and weariness and _love_. "I won't ever forget it."

Ashton's fingers twitched in Calum's and the dark-haired man stared in shock.

" _Ashton_?" Calum whispered and his fiancé's hand tightened weakly around his own. Calum's chocolate brown eyes widened in shock and he hardly dared to hope as he leant closer, brushing his lips gently against Ashton's jaw now that he knew the older man could hear him.

"I love you, Ashton. So, _so_ much." Calum stroked Ashton's hair gently and the beeping on the monitors increased infinitesimally. Calum knew Ashton was listening. "You're so strong, Ashy. You can do this. You _will_ do this. Come back to us. Come back to _me_.  **Please**."

Everything began to look up after that.

Ashton began to react to things like light and physical stimuli, squeezed Calum's hand back but no one else's but... but he still wasn't ready to wake up yet. The drip was still buried in his arm and the beeping of the machines never faltered.

Calum needed Ashton more than he ever had before.

He hadn't seen his beautiful hazel eyes in so long now.

*

_Calum was seventeen and the world around him was terrifying until Ashton held his hand and made the thundering roar inside Calum's head dull to a soft murmur. Ashton calmed Calum's anxiety in a way no one else had even been able to do before - not even Calum's sister Mali _.__

_The pair had gone on a long walk together, skipping their afternoon lessons at school in favour of wandering through the countryside instead. It was overcast and grey, the very end of winter but still too early for spring flowers to bloom. The rain was faint in the air - more a light drizzle than anything else - but Calum didn't mind._

_He'd always loved the rain._

_They were soaked by the time they made it to one of the cornfields they'd only even seen from the school bus before. The sheaths swayed ominously in the wind but Ashton's hand was warm around Calum's as they wandered along side by side, talking about life, their hopes and dreams, their fears and wishes._

_It probably wouldn't have looked like anything particularly special to anyone else but to them it was so,_ so _important because that was the day Calum realised he was in this for the long haul._

_"I like us," Ashton said suddenly, voicing Calum's thoughts as they stood there, just looking at each other. "I'm going to see this through to the end."_

_Ashton's brow creased suddenly, like he was thinking about his parents' divorce again, and Calum's eyes were soft as he closed the gap between them, ducking down to catch Ashton's lips in a gentle kiss._

_The breeze grew stronger, rippling the corn like waves. Ashton's fingers were soft and hesitant as they threaded through Calum's hair. The dark-haired boy smiled into the kiss._

_"Maybe this doesn't have to end," Calum whispered._

*

Ashton woke up early on a Wednesday morning, exactly three weeks after the night when everything had almost been lost.

It was a sunny morning, cool and crisp but bright too. The blinds were raised and Ashton had been tucked beneath the blankets warmly as the oxygen tube was carefully removed. He looked small lying there, vulnerable and tiny, like he needed to be held.

Ashton's hazel eyes were glassy and unfocused when they finally fluttered open but they were still so, _so_ beautiful.

"Ash," Calum whispered and every single comment he'd planned to say in this moment slipped straight out of his head. His trembling hand found Ashton's though and the curly-haired man gripped it desperately, confusion and alarm tightening his expression as he stared at Calum wordlessly.

"You got hurt, Ash," Calum whispered, stroking his fiancé's hair gently away from his face. The gash on Ashton's temple was healing now but there was still damage to his ribs and one of his legs. Calum knew he'd heal though. They'd get through this - together.

"I..." Ashton paled. "I remember. It..." His eyes were wide with fear and pain, and Calum swallowed past the tears lodging themselves in his throat. At least Ashton was still talking and trying to sit up. At least he hadn't forgtten. "It was raining. I... I couldn't stop -"

"Ash," Calum said softly, standing on shaky legs and cradling Ashton's hands gently in his own. "You're here now. You're awake again. You're _safe_. I... I'm so sorry. I'm _so_ sorry. If I hadn't -"

A tear rolled down Ashton's cheek when Calum ducked his head to press gentle kisses to his knuckles as an excuse to hide how much he was fighting not to cry.

"Cal, this isn't your fault," Ashton whispered, reaching up shakily to cup Calum's cheek. The curly-haired man winced a little when the movement tugged at his ribs and Calum's eyes swam with fresh tears but Ashton's expression softened. "I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry we fought."

Calum closed his eyes because the relief rising inside him felt like a tsunami, washing everything away so violently that Calum's head was spinning with it.

"I love you," Ashton murmured, uncertain and afraid, and Calum choked on a sob as he leant forwards to kiss his fiancé.

"I love you too," Calum whispered but there was sadness tightening his eyes at the pain on Ashton's face. "As soon as I can hold you again, I'm never letting you go," he promised and Ashton's damp hazel eyes glistened like stars. "I swear."

"I'm so much more than okay with that," he murmured and Calum smiled properly for the first time in three weeks because Ashton still _loved_ him.

They were still **whole**.

"You need to shave. You look like a homeless man," Calum muttered, keen to lighten the melancholy atmosphere that had settled over the hospital room, and Ashton gave a watery laugh when he processed that.

"Shut up, you potato," he said scathingly but his eyes were soft as he **remembered**. "It's a good thing I love you."

Calum grinned, pressing a tiny kiss to the corner of Ashton's mouth.

"You're such an idiot," Calum whispered tearfully but he was still smiling.

"Yeah, but I'm _your_ idiot," Ashton teased and it reminded the dark-haired man of when they were eighteen.

"I can live with that," Calum said and the curly-haired man smiled.

"That's good then," Ashton said and his lips were soft when Calum kissed him gently. "Because I'm not going anywhere."

They never let each other go again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too awful...  
> Please let me know what you thought!  
> Thank you <3


End file.
